OHHHHHHHHHH.........MAN!!!!

Alright, i think that's it's pretty safe to say that at 1:30 A.M. this morning, Eastern time of course, my morning sickness officially kicked in! Now, i am fiercely reminded of just why i HATE being pregnant. It is such an exhausting process. Not only do i eat all the damn time, but on top of that, all i can see to find energy to do is,..well......sleep. I got home from work at 5:45 PM yesterday. Then i ate, and slept from 7PM last night all the way up until 8AM this morning. And I'm still tired as hell!! But even the hunger and fatigue is the upside of the process. The morning sickness is a real bitch. It's not bad enough that you usually get these horrible hunger pangs at all times of the night because the person inside of you is hungry, even if you're not yourself. But on top of that, after you eat, you're ready to upchuck it all. So you're forced with a dire situation: do i eat, and be uncomfortable for a while until i throw it up?, or Do i not eat and just ride out the hunger pangs? What's a girl to do? AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! Life sucks! Pregnancy sucks! It all SUCKS! (If the previous statements sound a little weird, excuse them or ignore them. Another symptom of being pregnant is all of a sudden becoming over-emotional and way too damn dramatic.)TO BE CONTINUED LATER.................................

The Baby Business

Today i found out about the situation of Brandon's ex that he had gotten pregnant. She had an abortion, from what she said, the pregnancy and the abortion process were both very emotionally draining for her, and she could've died from either one. That had me thinking a little bit. I've had more than my share of abortions, (let's just say, it's been over two), and i've gone through the porcedure so many times that its like a check-up now. I go in, i put my legs in the stirrups, i hold my breath, leave, and hit the mall an hour later. In and out-almost like a drive thru baby clinic. The same can be said for many of those around me who have abortions also. It's almost petrifying to realize that a lot of us use the abortion practice like it's birth control, when so many other have complications, and trauma from enduring the practice once. I used to just write it off as maybe i'm just not as sensitive about some shit as other people. My cousins and my friends have probably done the same. Like the whole, post-mortem depression that your supposed to experience after having an abortion-none of us have yet to experience it. We get it done, and then start trying to figure out where we're going to eat next while we're in recovery. (This isn't a good thing.)However, my last experience with the practice, really shook me up. I mean, that abortion really made me feel it. I went all the way up to almost 15 weeks. Of course, like all my other abortions, i pretty much kept it under wraps and did it by myself, or just got one of my homegirls to go with me. But the last one i realized just how much many of us take for granted-for example, the ability to actually create and give a safe birth to kids. And reading the ex's journal today, my point was reiterated again. It's not a game. Therefore, i'm now at a crossroads. I want to have this baby because i think it'd be blasphemy for me to go and get another abortion, but at the same time, i want my kids to have their natural born -right off having a normal, stable household preserved. I want my kids to have two RESPONSIBLE parents. I want my kids' needs (and a whole lot of wants), to be satisfied, and i want my kids to have a healthy environment that is conducive to their success later in life while they are growing up. Now, i could probably do this all by myself if i really tried, but then again, i think i'd be selfish in depriving them of their right of having a mother and a FATHER. And let's face it-the father of the one i have now, is about as ready as a man on death row is for the gas chamber. So, i think i'm close to closing out my decision. If i do have this baby, i'll probably be doing it by myself, which is unfair to the child, so i should at least allow the father to TRY and be a man, even though i can't stand his ass and it would make my life so much more simpler. But then again, it's not all about me, the child is MOST IMPORTANT. (However, whether or not he succeeds is a whole different ballgame.)And on the other hand, i think that maybe the timing isn't right. This is not how i saw my shit working out, and having this baby would not allow my child to have the childhood that he is entitled to. However, if i do have an abortion, i put it on my brother, this will be the LAST and FINAL one-so help me God. After this one, if i make the mistake of getting pregnant again before i should, I'ma just have to ride it out, but it's a continuous slap in the face to God if i were to just keep having abortions. So i don't know. I got about a month to figure it out, before the cost for the procedure jumps dramatically, so it's definitely a matter for thought. I swear, the things we allow ourselves to get into....But the lesson for today: appreciate the things, ("gifts"), that God blesses you with, because there may be someone else out there who would like to receive that gift, but may not be able to. So until later, Peace, Love and Happiness.

I'm Just Venting Today......(Don't Mind Me!)

My friends are sooooooooo funny, and that's why i love them. They get on my nerves sometimes, but at other times, they know just what to say and do to make me smile. I told my best friend, India, that i was getting the tattoo of my ex's named covered up and i asked her what i should get. She said, "Well shit, get MY name!" I laughed so hard, i cried, cause she was so on time with that one, and thats why i fucks with her. On to some other stuff that i've been meditating about. I realize now that any nigga i have must be a thinker. (I mean, i knew that i hated a dumb-ass nigga before, but now i know the true extent of it.) I want a for real THINKER, though, like a Tupac, or a Malcom X, or an Andre 3000. I absolutely LOVED Tupac. He was so smart it was ridiculous. I like some of his music, but i'm not die hard or anything. But yet, when old interviews come on, or when i read books about him, or when movies about him come out, i am drawn to him like a magnet. (At least to the instances where he's acting like he got some sense.) The guy was BRILLIANT. I want a deep-ass guy like that around. I am a deep person by nature, (I'm an Aquarius, ask about us), so silly shit and trivial conversations usually don't hold my interests. Therefore, silly niggas and trivial situations undoubtedly won't hold my interests either. I need a guy that i can talk politics and spirituality with, and then turn around and talk cartoons and music with too. I love Tupac because he was a genuine multi-faceted person. Yes, he had his "Thug-Life" moments, but he had his, "we need to raise awareness of the status of negativity in black culture" moments too. Life ain't all about bitches, hoes, cars, music, clothes, shoes, weed and hennessey. Some stuff is of real substance. Tupac knew that. Some people argue that he wasn't real, and that he never was a "real" thug, he went to the school of the arts, and all that shit. SO? Can you blame the guy for having a real DECENT talent that he wanted to hone? So what he never was really thugging? Tell me, do you think resorting to selling drugs and shooting your own people makes you MORE or LESS of a man? (Take a guess to what my answer is.) I believe that behind closed doors, Tupac was probably a loving, caring, genuine person who was selfless and considerate of those around him. He was a worker, that much has been proven by many. Even in interviews, many people say that he used to lock himself in the studio and write and record for days on end uninterrupted. He didn't smoke, drink, party, or screw frivolous women while he worked either-even Suge said that he banned that shit while he was working. I believe that when the cameras were on, all that crazy, common-ass-nigga shit he used to do was in relation to his job. He was ENTERTAINING. The guy WAS an actor, you know? But at home, he was probably a mama's boy. THAT'S WHAT I WANT!I want a mature guy who's intelligent and sensible. Somebody who has class, and saves his brawn for when its really neceassary. Someone who knows when to show his ass, and when not to. Somebody who has a craft that they are dedicated to perfecting. (No, standing on the corner doesn't count). Someone with goals, a conscience, a sense of humor, a sense of purpose, respect for himself and others, and a defining sense of love for other and himself. These are qualities that a MAN has. That's what i want.Something about Tupac though was just so intriguing. I wasn't even attracted to him in his videos and stuff, but when he used to sit down interviews and have real sensible ass conversations, the sex-appeal of him used to just ooze through the screen. Even the manner in which he conversed just had me infatuated. That was a MAN. He exerted powerfulness, without actually showing that it was his. He controlled many of his situations without being controlling. You could see that he had a sensitive side without being a needy little bitch. Hell, Jada Pinkett-Smith said it once-the muthafucka was just plain charismatic. That's what i want. Malcolm X, and Andre 3000 (OutKast) are other prime examples of the theory. Real men are MEN, assholes are BOYS who are in need of guidance. And unfortunately, i don't have time to be anybody's damn MapQuest.Another thing i noticed, i'm attracted to maturer men. For example: Jay-Z. I used to think that he was so ugly and rude, and crass, and i was like, "What the fuck is Beyonce' thinking?!" But now that Jay-Z is older, more mature, wiser, and acting like he got the sense his mama raised him with, i love the guy. Plus he dresses better now too. (Damn it, i love a guy in a suit!) He's calmer now, more reserved, he ain't rapping about the usual "nigga" topics no more. He's a businessman now, and that is what i find to be incredibly sexy. I love guys like that. He's got a little bit of that Tupac charismatic quality too. He's more laid back, but it's still a great combination. I wouldn't mind having one of those either. But it's funny how maturity and intelligence, (when displayed), can make a person go from being butt-ugly to being super attractive. If Jay-Z had approached me years ago when he was on that stupid "Hey Papi" shit, i'd have laughed in his face. (I've never been swayed by money and material things, so that wouldn't have even helped him out.) But now that he's on some Grown-Man business, if Beyonce'wasn't with him, he could probably get it. Same thing with Nas-i told you, i love a thinker-if he wasn't with Kelis, he'd be another one that i wouldn't mind taking a shot at. Point blank: i want a GROWN man, not a GROWING-UP man. somebody who knows his business and knows how to handle it efficiently. Maybe i'll just have to start checking out the 30 and over crowd. LOL! Another thing i noticed: i hate men over 16 in tees, jerseys, and jordans all damn day. I want a nigga in a button down, with some nice PANTS, not necessarily jeans, PANTS! Preferably, a casual suit. Think Jay-Z. I'll settle for a mixture of the two-Think Kanye West and Usher. But white tees, sweatpants, jerseys, save for doing house chores please. As i learned from my previous bf, ain't nothing worse than being the type of girl who lives in designer jeans, nice blouses, stillettos and pumps, and always having to go out and stand next to a nigga in a tee-shirt, ( a blank one at that), and sweatpants and timbs. I ain't going to dinner with you looking like that! Damn, at least look like you showered and spent some time in the mirror. It takes me at least an hour to get dressed, if you don't take at least half that time, you ain't done enough! I'm not all about clothes, but i do expect you to look half-decent when you stroll out your door. Hell, i keep my hair, nails, feet and eyebrows done, (and not at a cheap price either.) And my clothes clean, and well-put together, my mate could at least keep his clothes neat and IRONED! The "just rolled out of bed" look don't sit well with me. Turn-off! But i just wanted to get that off my chest, it really irks me when i see that. In conclusion: I want a man with some experience in his adulthood, cause these niggas who are just coming into it are not the business. I mean, there are a few who are like that-this guy i used to work with named Justin is one if them. He looked like a little Larenz Tate with long cornrows-but it was his humbleness and his intelligence that really caught my attention about him. Hell, he was so mature, and cool, and laid-back that i used to try and piss him off just to see if he would lose it. His parents had taught him well, he didn't. I wonder what happened to his little sexy self....hmmmmm. He's about what, 22, now. He was an Aries, i believe. HMMMMMMMMMMMM..........Maybe, maybe not. Oh well, back to fantasizing aboout sexy ass GROWN men with sense and solidarity. LOL!

The Story Behind the End........(and the beginning)

Ok, so now I'ma take it way back. Pay attention...Last Wednesday, I was chilling with my boyfriend and he out of nowhere asked me to stop taking my birth control pills. My eyes damn near bulged out of my head. I said, "What?" And he said, "Do you love me?" ( of course I said "yeah.") And he responded, "Have my baby then." I just looked at him like he was crazy, because I knew then that he had lost his damn mind. I told him I'd consider it, (that was a lie), that I'd already stopped taking my pills, (that was true but not for the reason he thought), and that we'd talk about it later. After that, I left it alone, figuring that maybe he'd just forget about it, and we could pretend like the conversation didn't happen. But of course, that'd have been too damn easy....So the next day he left a couple of messages on my machine saying that we needed to talk about it. I brought up our situation with his current friend Ebony, and told him that everything was a no-go until that situation was done with. (Boy, was i wrong about that too!) He said okay, he'd deal with it...but of course, never did, and i didn't mind because I definitely didn't want to have his kids with all the bullshit we got going and especially not right now. So once again, on Saturday, we got into an argument about his friend once again, and I told him that he needed to get the little shit in his life together before he started asking people to have his damn kids. He got all salty and rude about it, so i got my black ass up and left. The next conversation that followed, i told him that he was a punk, and a whore, and a coward for not being able to deal with his situations the way a grown ass man should. Then i told him that i was uncomfortable, and basically, i wouldn't be sticking around for much longer. (That didn't go over too well with him either, because he felt like i was trying to "control" him. MUTHAFUCKA, WHY?!) So for the rest of that night, he got all bitchy toward me and that carried on into the next day. He told me that he wasn't getting rid of Ebony, i said "ok," it don't phase me, if we was gonna carry it like that, i was going to do my damn thing anyway. So the next morning, i called him and i was super nice. So nice that it was obvious that it was phony. His conclusion: for me to sound all nice after what had happened the previous night, i must have went out and fucked some other nigga. (Can you say: "INSECURE?") I said whatever and was nice, but he got all upset about me being nice and became extra asshole like about it, and started cussing and fussing while i laughed, and then he hung up on me. I didn't care, i had just went out to a lovely brunch at an expensive ass restaurant on my cousin's dime, and i was out shopping my ass off driving my cousin's car. He knew this and quickly became upset, so i told him i'd get at him later. But oh man, "later" turned out to be some shit!So as soon as i got home, around 5. I decided to be a woman and take a pregnancy test. (My period was 12 days late, from me fucking up my pills in early March), Do you know that the damn stick said "pregnant?!" I almost passed out on the bathroom floor! So i reluctantly called this asshole to tell him the news....he was out....driving Ebony's car somewhere downtown, and was trying to get all brand new about it. So i kirked and cussed his stupid ass out, and told him that i simply wasn't the bitch. We went back and forth and back and forth all night, and i started giving it to his ass hard-the same way he was trying to treat me. So once i started doing this, of course, he decided that he wanted to talk to me all nice-like and figure out why i was talking to him like essentially what he is: NOBODY. I hung up on his ass so many times yesterday, i thought i had broke my damn "END" button. Now of course, once i tell his silly ass that i'm pregnant, then he gets all nice, and says, "I LOVE YOU,", and starts talking about how he'll be home soon. And then he had the unmitigated gall to tell my ass to "stay in the house until he gets home." I hung up on his ass, got dressed and went out to the movies and dinner with my homeboy, (with a Lexus.) (Wanna hear some funny shit?: While i was getting dressed to go out to the movies, my mom said, "How you gonna be on the phone arguing with one boy, and then going out with another half an hour later? You know what that's called? That's called cheating." I said, "No, that's called 'Creative Time Management.'(Besides, Devin ain't nobody anyway, lol!)"Then another friend of mine called while i was out and once i told her that i was out with somebody that wasn't Brandon, she informed me that i was cheating also. By then, all i could do was laugh in response. Cheat? With Devin? PLEASE! But anyway.......)On into this morning. I called him and finally ended it. He had told me last night that he wanted to be around, that he loved me, and that he could chill out on the Ebony shit, but by then, i was already gone. He really crossed the last of my lines yesterday, and there really was no repairing it. Besides, it was just a matter of time before i started fucking other niggas anyway. Now, last night, he was all gung-ho and on his "if you don't like it, then i'll just go" trip. But once i called his ass and told him that me and his baby was out this morning....his entire attitude changed. (How surprising.) He went on into his spiel about how he'll make it work, how he'll sacrifice almost anything for it, and how all i had to do was let him run things "his way." (How bout.....NO?!)Things are so much clearer to me right now, and i realized that i'd be fucking crazy to stay around and subject me or my baby to the bullshit any longer. I'm so much better than that. Today i decided that i won't settle for anything less than utter and complete happiness for me and mine....and i meant it. He called and offered me another bullshit "relationship" deal, and i turned him down, and told him that he could disappear if he wanted to. Me and MY baby will be just fine by our damn selves...cause his "love" is the type both of us could do without. I'll make it work with me and my kid by my damn self. So many others have done it, are doing it, and will do it. I'm no exception. He said he'd call me later to talk about it, but my phone number's getting changed as soon as i leave work. I can do bad all by myelf, and at the same time..... i could do so much better. So as Brandy once said: "No, i just can't wait, tomorrow's too late,I'm leaving you today."So long, Olander. May you get only what you deserve, and nothing more, or nothing less.

The End of the Plague (New Beginnings and Endings)

These Ashanti and Destiny's Child songs just sum it all up in a nutshell...."Unfoolish (Foolish Remix)"-Ashanti(feat. Biggie Smalls)[Chorus: Ashanti (Biggie)]See my days are cold without you (Here's Another one)But I'm hurting while I'm with you (And another one)And though my heart can't take no more,I can't keep running back to youSee my days are cold without you (Here's Another one)But I'm hurting while I'm with you (And another one)And though my heart can't take no more,I won't keep running back to you(And another one....what? what?)[Ashanti:]I think I found my strength to finally get up and leaveNo more broken heart for meNo more tellin' your lies to me (And another one)I'm lookin' like I got my head on right so now I seeNo more givin' you everythin'There's no more takin' my love from me (what?)[Chorus][Ashanti:]Glad to wake up every day without you on my brainNo more waiting late up at nightNo more havin' to fuss and fightI'm proud to say that I will never make the same mistakeNo more thinkin' about what you doThere's no more of me runnin' back to you[Chorus][Biggie:]Some say the x make the sex spec-tacular,Let me lick you from yo neck to yo backThen ya, shiverin', tongue deliverin'Chills up that spine, that ass is mineSkip the wine and the candlelight, no Cristal tonightIf its alright wit' you, we fuckin (that's cool)Deja vu, the blunts sparked, finger fuckin in the parkPissy off Bacardi DarkRemember when I used to play between yo legsYou begged for me to stop because you know where it would headStraight to yo mother's bedAt the Mariott, we be lucky if we find a spot next to yo sisterDamn I really miss the way she used to rub my back when I hit thatWay she used to giggle when yo ass would wiggleNow I know you used to sweets at the Parker Meridian, trips to the CarribeanBut tonight, no ends[Ashanti (Biggie)]You must be used to me cryin' (And another one)While you're out bumpin' and grindin'But I'm leaving you tonight See my days are cold without you But I'm hurting while I'm with youAnd though my heart can't take no more,I can't keep running back to youYou must be used to me cryin' (And another one)While you're out bumpin' and grindin'But I'm leaving you tonight (Uuuh...and another one)"If"-Destiny's ChildOhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh[Michelle]If I Don't Pick Up The Phone Like I Use To (For You)Don't You take It Personal[Kelly]If I Don't Do I All The Things That I Use To (To You)I Ain't Mad At You[Beyonce]If You Get To Feeling Stressed Up In Your Chest ThinkingThat You About To Lose (Baby It's True)And If You're Losing Out On Sleep [Michelle]Home Worrying About Me Ohhhhhh[Kelly]This How It Be[Chorus]If You Don't KnowNow you Know You Going To MissMy Love And I Ain't Stressing Bout A Dawg On ThangCause I was True When I Gave YouMy Love (My Love Yeahhh)If You Search You Will Never Find Another Love Like My LoveYou going To Miss Me I Ain't Got Time While You Sit AroundAnd Play With my Love (My Love)[Michelle]If You Think I Caught A Feeling When I Heard About That Other Chick(Noooooo) I Already NewAbout It[Kelly]I Just Needed Time Just To Clear My Mind And Ask Myself (Why Didn't I Handle It)[Beyonce]And If You Would've Taken care Of Home,'Stead Of Leaving Me Alone Cause I Would Be Right ThereWith You Taken Care Of You Steady loving You Like I Used To Do[Chorus]There Was Once A Time I Blamed Myself For What Was Wrong[Michelle]But I Can See So clearly Now Cause You Are GoneThat's How I Spend All My Time When You Weren't Home Playing Around With Them Raggedy HafersNo More stressing, No more crying, No More TryingI Would Rather be AloneI'd Rather Be All By MyselfBecause This Valuable Heart Of Mine Was Yours Until I Realize Finally Opened My Eyes[Kelly]You See Ladies, I Know, I Knew Better What Was I Thinking. He Going To Miss Me When I'm Gone[Chorus][Until Song Fade](JOURNAL ENTRY TO BE CONTINUED LATER.....)

Bout Time Some Shit Went Right!!!

Damn! I have a lot of updating to do!!! Alright, first things first....So, last Friday night, I spent some time with Brandon over his house. Everything went all well and fine until I left. I said good-bye, walked out his door at like 10 something at night, and started walking towards the car. As I approached the car, I realized that parked two doors up from his house was a blue Nissan Sentra with the tag number "MEF 112." Then I realized, "this bitch Ebony is sitting outside this nigga house!" So i got in the car, and drove around the block to get a better look at the license tag, because I just knew I had to be seeing things. When I came back around and looked, I was Certain.....it was her. But better yet, she knew that I had circled around the block to look at her tag, so she had cut her car off and ducked down in the front seat....(ok, stalking tips for dummies: If you're going to stalk somebody in your car, make sure that after you cut your car off AND take your foot off the BRAKE! Because if you're foot is still on the brake, even though your car is off and you can't be seen, it's obvious that somebody is still in the car, because although you can see it yourself, your brake lights in the back are shining. But hey, I guess she's an amateur at this shit.)Anyway....So I circled the block a second time, because this time I was going to get out of my car and ask her was she waiting for something, but of course, by the time that I came back around, the bitch had hauled ass out. Now, is this some crazy shit or what? Is this bitch stalking muthafuckas now? Was the dick that damn good to her? I know that she was a virgin before, but damn! So I told Brandon that she was sitting outside his house when I left. First, he tried to tell me that he didn't think that it was her. But after I cussed his ass out and let him know that I had seen her cheap ass license plate enough times to know the number by heart, he believed me. Then I told him for what I told him would be my final time letting his ass know: "You need to get rid of that bitch, NOW." He said he called her but that her cell phone was disconnected, (yeah, whatever-the-fuck-ever.) And that he didn't think that he would be hearing from her for a while since I had caught her outside his house, (whatever-the-fuck-ever to that shit, too), and that once he did get in contact with her that he would let her know, (once again-whatever-the-fuck-ever.) I was kind of mad about his bullshitting around with this shit, but hell what do I care. So I laughed at that desperate ass bitch and decided that "hey, if he don't know, I won't be the one to tell his ass." So on to some great news......Just when shit was starting to go down the drain again, I got a note in the mail saying that I had got a grant next year for $3000.00 for school. That was exciting. But even better, a day later, I went to school and checked my e-mail and found out that the U.S. Dept. of Ed. has also given me an additional $7000.00 in grants, bringing my grand total to $11,000.00! I screamed so loud, I had to leave the building I was in! My tuition for next year is completely covered! (Now of course, I had to get over on the gov't to get the money, but hell, I'm a hustla, ask about me.) So now that next year is covered, that frees up my money to do so many other things. Like now, I can finally get a new car!! Thank GOD! But better yet, I can get a car that I want. It makes no sense that all the damn money I make, I haven't been able to get another car yet because I've been busting my ass paying tuition, but now that I don't have to do that anymore, I might be in a damn BMW next year, (not a brand new one, of course.) But all's well that ends well. I'm so happy!!! Of course, when I told Brandon about the news, he wasn't as ecstatic as I was. I'm guessing that he realized that if my school was being paid for next year by someone other than me, that I can finally leave MD and go to school in another state. I think that's what his fear is. But as of now, I'm staying at Towson, for my own reasons, not his at all. But it doesn't matter...I'm still excited about my shit. So fuck em all!(Oh, and by the way, I found out that some of ya'll been checking my journal, I'm a little nervous about that, but hey it's cool. Thanks for the love. Shout out to Alex Z! Later!)

Boundaries and Limitations...

I think I've finally reached my limits on my relationship with Olander Brandon Jackson. I love the boy, but damn, how much can a bitch take? It hit me early this morning, that hey, I don't think I'ma be able to do it. After all the shit he's puts me through, and all the shit I LET him put me through, it's almost the end of year 2, and we're still on the same bullshit-ass merry-go-round of drama. We had a long argument yesterday, where he told me that he doesn't feel close to me anymore, and he feels like I'm distancing myself away from him. He's right, I am. But usually, I would've at least acted concerned about the situation. I'm so tired of the bullshit now that the only response I could muster up was, "So, what you want me to do about it?" And that's when I knew, that I had reached my damn limit. I need normalcy. Nothing about our relationship has resembled normalcy from the jump. The only time that i had a tiny portion of stasis was during our first year when I was able to self-delude myself enough to not really let all the bullshit surrounding us, morely, HIM, bother me. But since the cat's been out of the bag last July, I can't even pretend no more. It's not NORMAL to have your boyfriend cheat on you with 6 different girls during the first year of your relationship. It's not NORMAL to have two of those girls end up pregnant. It's not NORMAL for your boyfriend to go and sleep with 2 girls during a 1 month break-up. It's not NORMAL to have to deal with one of those girls being his best friend that he wants to keep around. It's not NORMAL to be sitting around wondering what one of the chix that he slept with during that month is doing about her pregnancy, that she claims is by him. None of this shit is supposed to happen in a NORMAL relationship. And although, I have gotten to the point where I'm like, "Fuck it, it's not my baby, I ain't worrying about it." I really DON'T do BABY-MAMAS. I don't see myself marrying, or carrying on a long-term relationship with anybody who has other children, and definitely with anybody who conceived other children while we were together. I can't do it. And if the shit does happen to go down like that, I can see me being really fucking annoyed. And as I told him, if I find out it's his, (after he's promised me that it isn't and he can't be), I WILL KILL HIS ASS! And the sad part is, I sincerely do mean it. You know how you know when you've reached your limit with somebody? When you are so stressed out by them, their bullshit, and its presence in your life. that you realize that if they were to die tomorrow, the first emotion you would feel is RELIEF. That's not a good thing. But seriously, sometimes I sincerely wish that he would kick the bucket sometimes just so I wouldn't have to deal with him no more, and at least I could hold a semi-decent representation of how our relationship ended. One day last week when we were fussing about his past coming back to bite him in his ass now, he asked me..."Well, what do you want to do about it? Put a gun to my head and kill myself?"My reply was..."YES." And it's sad to say, but I knew when I said it that i meant it. And a relationship where one of the people feels that way is pretty much dead already. Aisha and Brandon's Merry-Go-Round has officially reached it's last circle. And I'm tired of lying about it so that I don't have to answer any questions. I'm tired, frustrated, out of energy, out of love, and out of determination. It's time to let go before things get so bad that neither one of us can turn back from the outcome. Vivian Green, "Gotta Go,Gotta Leave"Couldn’t have given you more. I tried to love you like you loved me. Maybe for wrong reasons....maybe. At first it was beautiful. Every girl has a fairytale. But then you wake up and see it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. It turned into screaming days and solo nights. Just wasn’t right (yeah...) I didn’t really wanna see you, was happy when you were leaving yeah... I liked how it felt when I was by myself. And that’s the way I wanna be, So please, don’t beg and plead, Just let it be. Just let it be... [Chorus]I gotta go. I gotta leave. So please don’t make it hard for me. I’ve gave enough, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go... [2x]Couldn’t have given you more, Gave you everything. There wasn’t anything that you were denied (yeah). But you should never give it all... ‘cause sometimes there’s nothing left but bitterness and regret, and it just ain’t worth it. ‘Cause then there’s the sudden change Out of nowhere, it seems. Never know I could be so mean, But that’s just how far you pushed me (yeah). You say it just isn’t fair and you didn’t know. You need to take responsibility for your own, ‘cause you’re grown. And you known (yeah) [Chorus]I gotta go. I gotta leave. So please don’t make it hard for me. I’ve gave enough, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go... [2x]Now I take the blame for trying to stay and work it out. Shoulda left before it got complicated, Shoulda left when there was still some happiness. Yes I take the blame for having faith in the relationship. I thought it made me complete, but the truth is, I’m complete without it. Yeah-eah(Gotta Let Go-ooo-ooo-oo)[Chorus]I gotta go. I gotta leave. So please don’t make it hard for me. I’ve gave enough, I’m tired of love, I gotta let it go... [2x]