The Baby Business

Today i found out about the situation of Brandon's ex that he had gotten pregnant. She had an abortion, from what she said, the pregnancy and the abortion process were both very emotionally draining for her, and she could've died from either one. That had me thinking a little bit. I've had more than my share of abortions, (let's just say, it's been over two), and i've gone through the porcedure so many times that its like a check-up now. I go in, i put my legs in the stirrups, i hold my breath, leave, and hit the mall an hour later. In and out-almost like a drive thru baby clinic. The same can be said for many of those around me who have abortions also. It's almost petrifying to realize that a lot of us use the abortion practice like it's birth control, when so many other have complications, and trauma from enduring the practice once. I used to just write it off as maybe i'm just not as sensitive about some shit as other people. My cousins and my friends have probably done the same. Like the whole, post-mortem depression that your supposed to experience after having an abortion-none of us have yet to experience it. We get it done, and then start trying to figure out where we're going to eat next while we're in recovery. (This isn't a good thing.)However, my last experience with the practice, really shook me up. I mean, that abortion really made me feel it. I went all the way up to almost 15 weeks. Of course, like all my other abortions, i pretty much kept it under wraps and did it by myself, or just got one of my homegirls to go with me. But the last one i realized just how much many of us take for granted-for example, the ability to actually create and give a safe birth to kids. And reading the ex's journal today, my point was reiterated again. It's not a game. Therefore, i'm now at a crossroads. I want to have this baby because i think it'd be blasphemy for me to go and get another abortion, but at the same time, i want my kids to have their natural born -right off having a normal, stable household preserved. I want my kids to have two RESPONSIBLE parents. I want my kids' needs (and a whole lot of wants), to be satisfied, and i want my kids to have a healthy environment that is conducive to their success later in life while they are growing up. Now, i could probably do this all by myself if i really tried, but then again, i think i'd be selfish in depriving them of their right of having a mother and a FATHER. And let's face it-the father of the one i have now, is about as ready as a man on death row is for the gas chamber. So, i think i'm close to closing out my decision. If i do have this baby, i'll probably be doing it by myself, which is unfair to the child, so i should at least allow the father to TRY and be a man, even though i can't stand his ass and it would make my life so much more simpler. But then again, it's not all about me, the child is MOST IMPORTANT. (However, whether or not he succeeds is a whole different ballgame.)And on the other hand, i think that maybe the timing isn't right. This is not how i saw my shit working out, and having this baby would not allow my child to have the childhood that he is entitled to. However, if i do have an abortion, i put it on my brother, this will be the LAST and FINAL one-so help me God. After this one, if i make the mistake of getting pregnant again before i should, I'ma just have to ride it out, but it's a continuous slap in the face to God if i were to just keep having abortions. So i don't know. I got about a month to figure it out, before the cost for the procedure jumps dramatically, so it's definitely a matter for thought. I swear, the things we allow ourselves to get into....But the lesson for today: appreciate the things, ("gifts"), that God blesses you with, because there may be someone else out there who would like to receive that gift, but may not be able to. So until later, Peace, Love and Happiness.